Merp
Being a recluse for five days has really taken a toll on me. I’m crying and hate everything and there’s no one I feel like talking to.
I hate my life still. It’s better than at the chicken shack, but I’m still not doing what I want and I don’t even know what that is.
I want to tell him I love him but he’s just going to say no. I just want to be happy and normal and why can’t I ever have that? Every time I’m about to tell him, people tell me the way I want to do it is wrong. I just want the happiness everyone else has. And don’t tell me that’s not true. Fuck that.
I want him. He’s awesome and someone I think is worthy of me. Except for the hating myself thing. It’s complicated. His awesomeness is the only thing that gives me courage. Except on days like today.
I over think it. The telling. What if I wreck it? What if I do it wrong? In the wrong spirit? Why should it matter, though? As long as I don’t threaten to kill a bunny if he says no, if he likes me, it should be fine, right? Maybe that’s it. How could he possibly like me? I have to get the alchemy just right and maybe I’ll fool him.
Maybe ’cause spring’s coming, I’m watching people around me pair off. It really fucking stings. And I hate that my pain makes my heart this small. I can only, and barely, intellectually feel joy for them. My sorrow and longing crowds out the good feelings for the most part.
Maybe I’ve been needing to cry for days and it’ll help that it’s finally all coming out.
No Comments Yet